I read an awesome article on The Mighty today. I kinda love that site, its full of stories that make me go “hey it’s not just me!”
Wow I could have written that myself. I used to self harm to bring myself back, just feel like a I wasn’t a walking dead person. While I can manage now without physically injuring myself I would be lying to say it’s all sunshine and roses, that I never think about it when I’m ill. Life is hard work sometimes.
I know I am often a person who is very hard to love, prickly, dark and sarcastic who does not like being touched and flinches away from the expat greetings of hugs and kisses. Those times when I am probably quite rude, when I appear to ignore you aren’t your fault but they very often aren’t my fault either.
Depression isn’t just sitting in bed unable to stop crying because you are sad. Depression can be completely losing yourself, being unable to feel how much your family love you and your children need you. It’s walking around with ice inside you, wondering if people can see you dying inside. It’s all the pain, all hurt simultaneously overloading your brain at the same time as it’s shuts down your ability to communicate what’s happening to you. It’s going into hibernation without permission. It’s the switching off of hope.
I am so very grateful to my tribe, those people I have around me who accept this is me and are still there when I come back from being locked in my head. My amazing husband who has put up with more than people will ever know over the last 18 years. My friends both old and new who know when to push and when to just hold my hand. The ones who understand from a personal level and those who don’t understand but love me enough not to leave me. I don’t know how someone like me manages without having those people. When I’m well I hope I reciprocate, that I’m a good friend. Mostly I hope they know how much I appreciate them.